I guess it's not really a conflict when I know how it's going to end. My kid is 18 months really it's time to start working on #2. I know I'm selfish and that why I'm waiting until summer and wakeboarding are finished. My kid is already spoiled rotten and needs to share the spotlight.
Here's the hard part: starting over. I know this has been done over and over again through every century. Most people reading this most likely have more than 1 kid and are thinking what's the big deal. You are obviously not as self-centered as I am. But really the inconvenience of not being able to do so many things while you're pregnant. Then for some of us your liver stops working and you itch really bad. I really don't think being pregnant is as bad as everyone makes it out, just bothersome. Then there are all the prayers that you'll fit into your clothes again someday.
The not awesome part is the feeding every 3 hours, the blow outs, the spitting up blob that can't tell you what it wants.I admire all of you out there who have selflessly given your live to the bearing and raising of children. You're doing a fantastic job.
I think I'm still struggling with being a grown up, so how could I possibly be a mom. I guess it's already to late for that. I wouldn't trade Dylan for anything. He's so dang fun. He runs around walking and talking, doing the silliest things. But at this point there are no binkies, bottles, burping. None of that is fun. I'd like to say he's the center of my world, except for the times when I want to do something and he can't come along. I really try to regulate how often that happens. Like the skiing last winter, and the horseback riding/competitions, movies, etc. It sounds bad, I know, but really most of the time at home, just the two of us (think the Will Smith song).
I remember when I was pregnant thinking how new and awesome each little sensation was. Now I'm thinking been there, done that. What is there to experience? Certainly not natural childbirth. That's just crazy talk. With any luck it won't take me a year and a half to get pregnant again (it would really put me up against my 2 by 30 goal)and I'll have another boy. Not that I wouldn't love a girl as much as DVS; I'd just prefer a boy.
I've been told that it's every bit as awesome to watch your second kid learn to do stuff. I feel like having a second kid is to regulate Dylan. Like I wanted a second dog to hang out with Mela. The more these thoughts spill out the more heartless and insensitive I sound. Very much like an unfit parent; please don't call CPS. Dylan is a happy, well-adjusted, mostly well behaved kid and I'm sure the next one will be as well. I can do this. Even if this wasn't a coherent post.
6 comments:
I hear ya! But, speaking as the parent of an only child, it is hard to watch him not have any siblings to play with-- especially hard on Saturday mornings when I wish he had a brother to play with so I can sleep in!!!
I totally thought I had the parenting thing figured out until I had my second! It really is amazing how different two little people can be. I think with your second you rediscover things you forgot. I remember when I was pregnant with my second worrying that I wouldn't love him as much as my first. Totally ridiculous, but I just couldn't wrap my head around it at the time. Good luck!
ON the record: WHAT EVER YOU DO, DON'T DO IT.
OFF THE RECORD: you have to. You must begin with the "end" in mind. Its not so much about what you can or can't do today. Its where do you see yourself and your family in ten years.
You innevedibly ruin your first child, through over attention actually. so your best are yet to come. I mean look at you. Look at me. What if your parents where stuck with only you?
i cried and cried the night we dropped off big W at my mom's so that I could go to the hospital the next day and have E... first becuase I was so sad that all of my best buddy time would now be cut in half.... next because the torture of breast feeding was about to begin.
You are doing great...don't hurry yourself, it all works out in the end!
You are a wonderful mommy who is having some really normal concerns and hesitations (even if they seem insensitive and horrible). For what it's worth...two kids was really not so bad for me (3 on the other hand...). They grow up faster the second time around and you have someone fun to play with while they are working their way through the boring stuff. Plus...if it is your last, you'll probably get all emotional and enjoy all the baby stuff more. Just think...the sooner you have baby 2, the sooner baby 2 is in the fun stage like Dylan! :)
I think on this subject you are my twin at the moment. Quincy is 2 in a few weeks and I have NO DESIRE!!! I do think pregnancy is a big deal and I don't like nursing and I don't like slowing down. I am saying, "um, i'll wait!"
All I have to say is, I'm sorry and good luck with whatever you decide.
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